Alphonso just loved his dogs. He had lots of dogs - small dogs, medium dogs, and large dogs. He had several acres way out in the country, where folks wouldn’t be bothered by his canine herd. When he’d go into town, he’d come home with half a truckload of dog food. His wife, Maggie, had long ago become used to the menagerie he kept. In fact, she had become fond of each one. Whenever Alphonso would come home with a new dog, she’d haul out one of her catalogs and thumb through it until she found a name she thought would suit. There was a ‘Teapot’, a ‘Spatula’, and so on. And believe it or not, between the two of them, they never forgot which one was which.
Whenever they’d go into town, the dogs would follow them there, then sit and wait. Then, when they heard the sound of the truck cranking, their ears would perk up and they’d be ready to go. This was highly amusing at times. Folks in the grocery store would ask them if they’d gotten a permit to hold a parade and everyone would laugh.
One day old Charlie, a good friend of Alphonso and Maggie’s, passed away. As he was well liked, and kin to half the town, a huge crowd was expected at his funeral. When the day arrived, there were bouquets of flowers and colorful wreaths adorning old Charlie’s grave. All went as planned until the funeral procession began to roll. Alphonso and Maggie were dressed up in their finest attire, except for a few paw prints here and there. And wouldn’t you know it, as soon as they started out, here came the loyal followers!
“Alphonso, what are we gonna do now?” asked Maggie in horror.
“Play like we don’t know whose dogs they are?” he suggested.
“Yeah, right,” she murmured sarcastically. “I thought you had penned them up in the barn.” she groaned.
“Good Lord, Maggie - they’re gonna follow us right to the cemetery!” He exclaimed in a panic.
But, since there was no way to gracefully pull off and get the heck out of there, they just went on like nothing was out of the ordinary. Fortunately, when the congregation had all arrived, those dogs sat patiently and quietly beside the truck. “At least they’re behaving,” whispered Maggie.
There were some inevitable giggles from the children and a whack or two from their parents before the ceremony was over. And just when Alphonso and Maggie thought they’d actually be able to sneak off down the road with their horde of hounds, someone who thought he could sing started in on ‘When the Roll is Called Up Yonder’. At this, the animals set up a yowling and howling that would test your eardrums. Those that were holding back laughter, let loose with it. Maggie thought she’d pass out with embarrassment and Alphonso decided right then and there to take up drinking again. The preacher began stuttering (something he hadn’t done in years) and several women had to sit down and fan themselves to keep from fainting.
Finally, Alphonso had the presence of mind to shove Maggie back into the truck and leave as quickly as possible. As soon as he began to crank the truck, his mob of mutts fell in behind him, barking happily. One man lit up his pipe and leaned back against a pine tree, chuckling at this unusual turn of events. Several others wandered over beside him, most of them still grinning.
“Looks like the whole town turned out for the funeral,” commented one.
“He was a popular guy alright,” said another.
“But I just can’t understand it,” added someone else. “Old Charlie didn’t even LIKE dogs!”
