Howard was a stumpy little man. Mean by nature, hot tempered and red-faced. He shouted rather than talked. Everyone said he might blow up any minute. His hair was butch-waxed and stood straight up on the top of his head. He favored polyester pants and plaid shirts. His socks had little Xs all over them or squiggly lines of blue and red. His eyes were all bulged out and bloodshot due to the intensity of his temperament.
Now, this isn’t to say that he had no good points - he just mostly kept them hidden. And what impressed a person most of all was the fact that he loved to argue. Didn’t matter if it was the weather or politics, he was bound to start a disagreement by the time it was over. Sometimes folks just got tired of running their mouths, only to have him trample all over what they had to say. Other times, it was just easier to agree than stay there all night listening to him. Then, he’d nod his head triumphantly and say “I told you so.” It was infuriating!
One bright, balmy day, he decided to go out walking his dog, Beauregard. He was in a good mood because of the lovely weather. And, because he felt so perky, he was ready to jump into any debate he could find. His beady eyes just glinted as he watched for someone to start up a conversation with. But, since everyone in town knew what this particular look signified, they all avoided him. He walked clear to the big paved road on the other side of town, then cut around so he could make a clean sweep. Folks just sort of disappeared when they saw him coming.
So, in the end, he decided to sit on a bench in the park and wait for someone to come by. About an hour later, he was getting frustrated, and Beauregard was way past ready to go. The dog kept whining and barking and howling, shifting from paw to paw, and pulling on his leash. Howard would give him a mean look and Beauregard would kind of duck down for a while. Then, he started the whining and barking and pulling again. Finally, Howard had had enough. He couldn’t stand it. Every time Beauregard opened his mouth, Howard said something back to him. In fact, he got so involved with the ‘conversation’, he didn’t notice his next door neighbors strolling up behind him. They stayed quiet, intrigued, hoping he wouldn’t notice them. Which he didn’t. In fact, he was so busy arguing with the dog, he didn’t see them back up and stand behind the juniper hedge. Watching and listening.
Beauregard yanked on his leach and barked louder than ever. Howard tried to talk him out of leaving, but it didn’t do any good. Beauregard howled like a banshee. At last, Howard shrugged his shoulders, stood up, and let the determined canine tug him off down the sidewalk.
“I’ll be darned,” said one of the neighbors.
“It’s the first time in history”, the other one laughed, “Howard’s EVER lost an argument!”
