Callum sat there cleaning his fingernails with a pocket knife. Since he couldn’t scrape off the grime, he decided to just leave it. A rumbling flat bed truck bounced along the washboard road behind his house. Callum stood up and hollered at the driver. “Got time for a beer run?” he screeched. This set off several roosters nearby. The truck slowed to a stop.
“What’d you say? I can’t hear you over them chickens!” Bert, the driver, hollered back.
“You got time to run me down to the store? I’m ‘bout to die for a cold beer!” Callum shouted hopefully.
“Come on. I got to stop by the house first, in case Belinda needs her diet sodas and cigarettes,” Bert replied.
So Callum grabbed his greasy work shirt off the back steps and hastily put it on.“Where’s your shoes? You can’t go in the store without no shoes!” scolded Bert. So Callum pulled on his stinky oyster boots, as they were the only shoes he cared to wear these days. “You might better wash them boots out one day before they start growing moss,” muttered Bert.
When they got to Bert’s place, Belinda decided she needed a lot more than drinks and smokes. “You need to run by the grocery store and get me some cake mix and butter. Probably need eggs, too, as I like my cake light and fluffy. And don’t forget to pick up some of that strawberry icing for the top, as I’ve been craving something pink to eat. Some sprinkles would really be good on top of that, too,” she mused.
“We was just going to the beer store!” Bert fumed.
So, they rushed to the beer store, hurrying to grab their beer before it closed. When they got inside, Bert got Callum aside and whispered, “Them ladies over there started squirting air freshener as soon as you walked in. I like to choked so hard I thought I was being pepper-sprayed!” complained Bert. Callum paid him no mind. As they left the beer store, the ladies sighed in relief.
Then, they drove to the grocery store. Callum strutted in there with his chest all puffed out and a slick grin on his face. “Miss Daisy! You’re looking prettier than a November sunset!” he proclaimed. Miss Daisy, the elderly cashier, fluffed up her new permanent wave and gave him a welcoming smile. In doing so, her new dentures slipped and clamped down on her tongue so hard she let out a little scream. Callum mistook this as a sign she was overjoyed to see him and sucked in his protruding beer belly as he sauntered by.
“Daisy - you forgot to anchor them new teeth down with that denture cream,” whispered Polly, the other grocery attendant.
“Oops!” murmured Daisy as she re-adjusted her teeth. The two men found the baking goods aisle, and in their haste to make a quick purchase (anxious to get back to their beer), mistakenly grabbed a box of cornbread mix. When they got to the checkout counter, those ladies started giggling at the strange mix of baking items.
“What set them females off like that?” Bert mused.
“They was just happy to see us two good-looking men!” Callum grinned. “Wonder what that strange smelling aftershave was.” Daisy wondered after they left. “I think it’s called ‘cleaning out the chicken coop’!” laughed Polly.
When Bert finally got home with the shopping bag, Belinda happily got out her mixing bowl and warmed up the oven. She had her mind fixated on that pink cake with it’s colorful sprinkles. She polished up her fancy cake display cover and put a lace doily under it. “I’ve had my mouth set on this all day!” she announced as Bert sat down in his easy chair and turned on the television.
“What? I can’t hear you over this here commercial!” he yelled back.
“Never mind,” she muttered as she began to prepare the batter.
“This here batter doesn’t look right,” she said to herself. Then she took a closer look at the ‘cake box’. “Bert - you dummy! You got to go back to the store and git me some cake mix!” she hollered. But Bert was already asleep in his chair.
And she knew that by the time she could wake Bert up and get him moving, the grocery store would be closed. So she went ahead and mixed up the cornbread. But, the more she mixed, the madder she got. Finally, she came up with the idea to fix ole Bert a lesson. So she got out a jar of extra-hot ghost peppers she had put up last year. She chopped them up and added them to the cornbread batter. Then, she slid it into the oven, a sly grin on her face.
Pretty soon, the house was filled with the scent of fresh baked goods, and a couple of minutes later, Callum came stumbling in. “I got to thinking about that cake you’re making and started to get hungry,” he explained.
“I’m so glad you decided to join us!” smiled Belinda sweetly. “You boys go drink some more beer while I finish up the cake,” she added. Then Belinda went to work. The cornbread came out steaming with peppery fumes. Then she got out the strawberry icing and began to smear it heavily on the ‘cake’. With the festive sprinkles on top, it really looked appetizing. When it was ready, she carried it into the front room where the men were sitting. “I got out the good china for this!” Belinda smirked. Bert and Callum didn’t notice, as they were lunging for the cake. Belinda cut a big slice apiece for them, her eyes gleaming wickedly. “You get the first pieces. Because without you two, this ‘cake’ wouldn’t be possible!” she crooned as she served them.
