Grandpa Bob was a one-legged moonshiner. He’d gotten his leg shot off in the war and now thumped about on a wooden one. He lived with his grandson, Vernon, in a rambling old house in the country. Vernon was hoping his grandpop would slow down some in his old age, as he was always getting into trouble. And now, he was insisting that Vernon take him to the river so he could catch a mess of fish for their supper.
What Vernon didn’t know was that his grandpa had fixed himself up a run-down boat with a steering wheel out of a junkyard truck, and some kind of motor on the back. Vernon thought it came off of a lawn mower, because it sure sounded like it, but Grandpa Bob assured him that it didn’t. At any rate, he promised, it would get them down the river where the fish were biting.
So, that afternoon, Bob and Vernon went fishing. The elderly grandfather, as always, carried his moonshine jug along. After they wrestled their patched-up boat off the back of the truck, Grandpa Bob declared it was time for them to sample his new batch of moonshine. First, Vernon took a long swallow, then poured a bit into the gas tank to give that engine some more zip. Well, when he fired it up, they took off like a fly with a swatter coming! Faster and faster, dodging branches, stumps, and sleepy turtles. In fact, he got to going so fast, he clean forgot about Grandpa being in the back of the boat!
Of course, it didn’t take long before he ran out of gas (being as how it was a lawn mower engine after all).
Well, he sat there in the boat, fuming for awhile - then he remembered his grandpa! He looked around and saw that Bob was long gone! Then, he really started to worry. Here he was, stuck in the middle of the river, with a one-legged man overboard! But being a quick thinker, he rummaged around and found some rope. He threw it and threw it until he caught it on a big root sticking up. Then, he pulled the boat to shore. After he’d tied it up, he began to walk along the river, hoping to find Grandpa Bob. But the farther he got, the more he began to feel discouraged. He began to think about that old man out there in the river, trying to stay afloat. Then, he realized the moonshine jug was gone, too. Knowing the old man, he was probably hanging on to it with one hand and trying to paddle with the other.
Then, he heard something. It was real faint, but it gave him hope that the poor fellow was still alive. So, he made his way through the tangled woods as fast as he could, keeping an eye on the river. Pretty soon, he recognized the voice - Grandpa Bob! Then, the closer he got, the more he realized the old geezer was talking to someone.
And when he came around that last bend in the river, he stopped, gasped, and about fell over! There was Grandpa Bob, laying up on the side of the river, next to the biggest derned alligator he had ever seen, and just talking away! When the elderly man saw Vernon, he shushed him and motioned for him to stop.
Then, Vernon saw the craziest thing he’d ever seen in his life. That ole alligator opened up it’s jaws and was fixing to bite off his grandfather’s one good leg. That’s when Bob turned up his jug right into the alligator’s mouth! The giant reptile rolled its eyes around a few times, licked its jaws, then shut its mouth. This went on for a good while, as Vernon commenced to praying and wishing he’d thought to bring his gun. But soon, the gator went to sleep and was snoring away, lost in wild, drunken alligator dreams. Every now and then it would give a snort, wave it’s tail, then fall back asleep in the soft sand.
Vernon snuck over quietly, helped his grandaddy up, then they high-tailed it back into the woods. They made it back to the main road just as a truck was passing by. It stopped, and they saw it was Elmer, one of Grandpa Bob’s regular customers.
“What in the heck happened to yu’all?” asked Elmer.
“Well, I just tested out my spring batch,” explained the old moonshiner. “It’s the best one yet!”
